Category Archives: breakup

How to stop loving someone.

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A while back (in August) I have lived through the hardest separation of my life. I don’t like to talk about it now, but it has put me through hell and back three times..So how to let go and how to stop loving somebody? Once you stop loving somebody, letting go is easy.

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First let me tell you what NOT to do:

  • Being angry – anger as we know only masks the pain. And if we ache over someone, we still love them.
  • Being hateful or vengeful – the best revenge to the situation is your own “happiness”.
  • Feeling sorry for yourself – yes, you can wallow in pain and self pity, you can scream: Why, God, whuaaaaaii? And call all your friends. But in reality you can CHOOSE not to go there, just by staying busy and making a conscious decision to move on and pretend this person has never existed.
  • Holding on to pain – oh what a “fun stage”.  I have even (gasp) compared myself to Jesus in his dedication to endure pain from the hands of unworthy people, but come on…Jesus did it for a cause. There’s no reward in being broken-hearted. It may feel like your chest is being ripped up open and there’s shrapnel from the World War 2 in there. It may feel as if you are bleeding on a cross, and that your pain is almost holy-like. It may feel like this pain is self-righteous and dignified. BUT FACE THE TRUTH – IT”S NOT. IT’S JUST PAIN – like toothache, or a headdache, but more like a bleeding wound…only if you could forget for a minute about the person who simply doesn’t love you (or they would never let you suffer like this) – if only you could forget, you would feel JUST FINE.
  • Being overly happy. This is a reverse of holding on to your pain stage, when you exagerrate every little joy to the point that watching an old re-run of Married…With Children makes you laugh like a serial killer on a spree.  Food tastes like food is going extinct. You suddenly discover History channel as the best channel in the world.
  • Becoming obsessive-compulsive. You suddenly decide it’s time for spring cleaning, or time to re-organize your closets, and the garage could really use those cabinets you saw in an advertizement magazines.
  • Changing your style. You notice that black colors really suit you, or perhaps it’s time to get a new tattoo. A new hairstyle – some people get a pixie cut. You update your wardrobe. Or maybe blue highlights.

The point is if you need to get over someone, then the best do it is to STOP LOVING them.

So…What is the opposite of love? It’s not hate. Hate is a strong, passionate feeling that’s a love’s close cousin. There’s one step from love to hatred and so you want to avoid hating as well as any strong feelings.

The best counteraction(or medicine) for love is DISGUST.  That’s right, the best way to stop loving someone, is to start despising your ex. You can make a list of all the disgusting things they do. You can also imagine something that would make them disgusting to you – for example, for me, the most despicable sight is a sight of a drunk person, who can hardly stand on their feet, perhaps crying with snot dripping down their face. It’s OK to be graphic.
You can think of all the things that this person can be despised for – not tall enough, doesn’t get promoted on the job, a total loser and complainer.

Exaggerate as much as possible. Maybe draw a mental caricature if them:

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It’s alright to call them the worst names in the book, after all you are doing it in your head or paper – this is SELF-COMMUNICADO. To your ex, remain always ICE-COMMUNICADO, meaning be as silent as death, no matter how much they plead to take them back, ask about the recent earthquake or wish you a happy birthday. MUM.  If they are not pleading, they still might one day – you can imagine them on their knees right now. Make a list of all the things they could never give you – marriage, happy and positive attitude, things that annoyed you in your relationship. If you forgot, dig hard – everyone has weaknesses, including Superman. It’s also good to generalize your ex to belong to a certain minority group, such as “this type of person” or “the dregs of the society”, who don’t deserve to be in the relationship or don’t deserve intimacy. It’s YOUR head, so sing and dance around all you want without judgement – you can even give your ex some really ‘loving” names, such as wonderful animal kingdom names – derivatives of dog, crocodile, cockroach, maggot, spider, skunk, snake, slime-producer, ogre, and other such names that evoke your feeling of nose-coverup and desire to run away:
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This has really helped ME personally get over the person, knowing how really disgusting and slimey and unworthy they were. Is it really true? Probably not, because love is so subjective – in love, every little flaw seems adorable. But now that the rosy glasses are off, it’s time to “smell the roses” : this person is vile. The mere thought of that person should make you want to throw up now. If you can achieve this, YOU ARE TRULY OVER!!! You’re cured of the sickness they call love, and pain will be no more. Now, you can slowly move toward indifference, because INDIFFERENCE is the true opposite of love. It will come with time, but for now your goal is to DEFEAT LOVE.

Of course, going out with friends and dating other people is also a part of the “cure” – but those who have been in my shoes will agree that it takes up to a year to fully recover, with the first 3 months being the hardest. Dating during such a period is mostly going through the motions. It’s now that I have gotten over the disease they call love, I have grown “thick skin” around my heart and put up a huge wall, that I think of as impenetrable shield of stainless steel, with a diamond lock. I am in no rush to “let anyone in”, and I have developed a dozen of filters of what my standards and tests are going to be for “the one” I will consider one day for the role of my partner. One thing is for sure, I do not take “choosing the right partner” lightly and I am not as open and naive as I used to be. But that’s a story for another post.

In the meantime, click “Like” if you find this helpful. I lived through a breakup – and if I survived it, so can you…and so can anyone. This feeling of detachment and happy contentment is where I am at right now, and I enjoy it very much. I am in control of my destiny, free to shape is as I will, without any limitations that a partner could potentially bring into my life. Hell, I would be happy to marry myself !!! LOL. And I don’t need validation, I am satisfied to keep moving forward and work on my goals and big plans for the future.

SO, DID SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT THEY STOPPED LOVING YOU? Don’t get sad, be glad! For they have told you the TRUTH and liberated you, and that is much better than if you lived thinking that they still loved you!!!! Thank that person for their honesty and realize what a gift you’ve been given – a gift of freedom to pursue a new life, and a new reality. So what if you, like PHOENIX, burn up in the process?.. Where there is a CRISIS, there’s an immense GROWTH. And I want to congratulate you on this push forward, a push towards a happier you where you can be realized to the full potential.

So…forget the song “There’s no good in good-byes” and other sappy sentiments (I personally call them “the crawlers”, as the people singing them are tapping into that base crawling back instinct, and we covered this earlier in one of the “beginning stages” of what not to do. We are not creepy crawlers, because we are HUMANs with a capital letter, we walk upright and have dignity ).

So will you be OK? You will be more than OK, you will be better off!!!

THANKS for reading!!! Stay STRONG! Many hearts from me to you.

Reborn and happy to be alive with you today,

Phenix.

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