A while back (in August) I have lived through the hardest separation of my life. I don’t like to talk about it now, but it has put me through hell and back three times..So how to let go and how to stop loving somebody? Once you stop loving somebody, letting go is easy.
First let me tell you what NOT to do:
- Being angry – anger as we know only masks the pain. And if we ache over someone, we still love them.
- Being hateful or vengeful – the best revenge to the situation is your own “happiness”.
- Feeling sorry for yourself – yes, you can wallow in pain and self pity, you can scream: Why, God, whuaaaaaii? And call all your friends. But in reality you can CHOOSE not to go there, just by staying busy and making a conscious decision to move on and pretend this person has never existed.
- Holding on to pain – oh what a “fun stage”. I have even (gasp) compared myself to Jesus in his dedication to endure pain from the hands of unworthy people, but come on…Jesus did it for a cause. There’s no reward in being broken-hearted. It may feel like your chest is being ripped up open and there’s shrapnel from the World War 2 in there. It may feel as if you are bleeding on a cross, and that your pain is almost holy-like. It may feel like this pain is self-righteous and dignified. BUT FACE THE TRUTH – IT”S NOT. IT’S JUST PAIN – like toothache, or a headdache, but more like a bleeding wound…only if you could forget for a minute about the person who simply doesn’t love you (or they would never let you suffer like this) – if only you could forget, you would feel JUST FINE.
- Being overly happy. This is a reverse of holding on to your pain stage, when you exagerrate every little joy to the point that watching an old re-run of Married…With Children makes you laugh like a serial killer on a spree. Food tastes like food is going extinct. You suddenly discover History channel as the best channel in the world.
- Becoming obsessive-compulsive. You suddenly decide it’s time for spring cleaning, or time to re-organize your closets, and the garage could really use those cabinets you saw in an advertizement magazines.
- Changing your style. You notice that black colors really suit you, or perhaps it’s time to get a new tattoo. A new hairstyle – some people get a pixie cut. You update your wardrobe. Or maybe blue highlights.
The point is if you need to get over someone, then the best do it is to STOP LOVING them.
So…What is the opposite of love? It’s not hate. Hate is a strong, passionate feeling that’s a love’s close cousin. There’s one step from love to hatred and so you want to avoid hating as well as any strong feelings.
The best counteraction(or medicine) for love is DISGUST. That’s right, the best way to stop loving someone, is to start despising your ex. You can make a list of all the disgusting things they do. You can also imagine something that would make them disgusting to you – for example, for me, the most despicable sight is a sight of a drunk person, who can hardly stand on their feet, perhaps crying with snot dripping down their face. It’s OK to be graphic.
You can think of all the things that this person can be despised for – not tall enough, doesn’t get promoted on the job, a total loser and complainer.
Exaggerate as much as possible. Maybe draw a mental caricature if them:
It’s alright to call them the worst names in the book, after all you are doing it in your head or paper – this is SELF-COMMUNICADO. To your ex, remain always ICE-COMMUNICADO, meaning be as silent as death, no matter how much they plead to take them back, ask about the recent earthquake or wish you a happy birthday. MUM. If they are not pleading, they still might one day – you can imagine them on their knees right now. Make a list of all the things they could never give you – marriage, happy and positive attitude, things that annoyed you in your relationship. If you forgot, dig hard – everyone has weaknesses, including Superman. It’s also good to generalize your ex to belong to a certain minority group, such as “this type of person” or “the dregs of the society”, who don’t deserve to be in the relationship or don’t deserve intimacy. It’s YOUR head, so sing and dance around all you want without judgement – you can even give your ex some really ‘loving” names, such as wonderful animal kingdom names – derivatives of dog, crocodile, cockroach, maggot, spider, skunk, snake, slime-producer, ogre, and other such names that evoke your feeling of nose-coverup and desire to run away:
This has really helped ME personally get over the person, knowing how really disgusting and slimey and unworthy they were. Is it really true? Probably not, because love is so subjective – in love, every little flaw seems adorable. But now that the rosy glasses are off, it’s time to “smell the roses” : this person is vile. The mere thought of that person should make you want to throw up now. If you can achieve this, YOU ARE TRULY OVER!!! You’re cured of the sickness they call love, and pain will be no more. Now, you can slowly move toward indifference, because INDIFFERENCE is the true opposite of love. It will come with time, but for now your goal is to DEFEAT LOVE.
Of course, going out with friends and dating other people is also a part of the “cure” – but those who have been in my shoes will agree that it takes up to a year to fully recover, with the first 3 months being the hardest. Dating during such a period is mostly going through the motions. It’s now that I have gotten over the disease they call love, I have grown “thick skin” around my heart and put up a huge wall, that I think of as impenetrable shield of stainless steel, with a diamond lock. I am in no rush to “let anyone in”, and I have developed a dozen of filters of what my standards and tests are going to be for “the one” I will consider one day for the role of my partner. One thing is for sure, I do not take “choosing the right partner” lightly and I am not as open and naive as I used to be. But that’s a story for another post.
In the meantime, click “Like” if you find this helpful. I lived through a breakup – and if I survived it, so can you…and so can anyone. This feeling of detachment and happy contentment is where I am at right now, and I enjoy it very much. I am in control of my destiny, free to shape is as I will, without any limitations that a partner could potentially bring into my life. Hell, I would be happy to marry myself !!! LOL. And I don’t need validation, I am satisfied to keep moving forward and work on my goals and big plans for the future.
SO, DID SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT THEY STOPPED LOVING YOU? Don’t get sad, be glad! For they have told you the TRUTH and liberated you, and that is much better than if you lived thinking that they still loved you!!!! Thank that person for their honesty and realize what a gift you’ve been given – a gift of freedom to pursue a new life, and a new reality. So what if you, like PHOENIX, burn up in the process?.. Where there is a CRISIS, there’s an immense GROWTH. And I want to congratulate you on this push forward, a push towards a happier you where you can be realized to the full potential.
So…forget the song “There’s no good in good-byes” and other sappy sentiments (I personally call them “the crawlers”, as the people singing them are tapping into that base crawling back instinct, and we covered this earlier in one of the “beginning stages” of what not to do. We are not creepy crawlers, because we are HUMANs with a capital letter, we walk upright and have dignity ).
So will you be OK? You will be more than OK, you will be better off!!!
THANKS for reading!!! Stay STRONG! Many hearts from me to you.
Reborn and happy to be alive with you today,
Today’s lesson is on how to deal with ugly behavior – ugly behavior breeds uglier responses. It’s almost like seeing a person get possessed by a demon – the demons ultimate goal is to possess you. Through another persons weakness you become the target to fall lower than he did. In response to an ugly action, we perceive the person in front of us for an enemy…
I wanted to also mention the same tactic that Devil used in Hitlers times during Holocaust. By dehumanizing people their spirit was targeted at the very core, as they clung to the last threads of sanity, they watched faith die….And with faith destroyed, it was an easy task for the Grim Reaper to claim lost souls.
So what is the right way to deal with peoples ugliness? My answer to that, when you are faced with a Demon, (I say symbolically that you are faced with a demon, when you can’t recognize the person you know and love) you can kill him with a skill/tactic I call CPC. The key to this tactic is:
1.REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!
How you act represents you, always. How you act under pressure however , represents who you truly are at your very core. It is your true essence. If you were a lemon, under the pressure a lemon juice would pour out.
2.Remember who the offender is.
So with this in mind the CPC method would work like this;
1.Begin with a Yes, I understand.
2.AND … You are a reasonable, kind person.
(Insert a Compliment stating the good qualities of the person. The qualities that aren’t showing at the moment. )
3.BUT I am …a person who should be treated with respect .
(Insert a Program, an instruction manual on how you expect to be treated)
4. AND THEREFORE a bright person like you will find a worthy companion in no time.
(Insert another Compliment about some positive trait in this person).
Thus you have not succumbed to this demons trap to fall to his level or lower…Instead, you told them who you expect them to be…and sandwiched in between two compliments an instruction manual on how you expect to be treated. After saying that with calm dignity you walk away without an argument. That’s it.
I hope today’s lesson is valuable to you one day 🙂 We all become demon-slayers – killing them with the shield of CPC kindness.
If you’ve been wondering where I’m at these days, a friend has had a mild stroke – he got sick in the gym after an intense exercise, and I took him to the ER. So many tests and SO much blood taken – it’s amazing how many tests can be done on a human being. Number one reason for stroke, per physician’s words, is fluctuation in blood pressure. The symptoms of a stroke include numbness on one side – as with the case of my friend, it was in the left leg, arm, and even face…especially mouth area. It’s definitely scarey and best to go to the hospital right away!. We are all praying for him.
As far as me, I have been golfing over the weekend. I went to the Cadillac Golf Clinic where I got to meet a PGA champ doing a demo/instructional speech, and then our swings were recorded. It was fun! And then of course, I got to drive a few Cadillacs which was a pleasure!
I also tried African (Eritrean) food for the first time – ordered a ‘meat’ platter, and it was surprisingly delicious!!! A bit on the hotter side, but definitely really good.
Dreams: I had a weird dream of swimming with stingrays tonight. What a cool dream! The stingrays were gigantic in my dream, swimming alongside with them was just surreal.
And then I got a weird text from my Ex again – saying mean things to me. I am just ignoring them. “And this too, shall pass!” I feel better now that I’ve spoken to my Ex – so maybe the closure thing does work. But it seems that anger breeds anger – my anger, which I didn’t want to let go of, has spread to the other side. Why does anger feel so damn good? Why do we like feeling like victims, self righteous and noble? I don’t know. Anger is a great deal of energy – and its an energy that drives you and pushes you. As long as you are not hurting anyone, can anger be a good thing? And lastly, what do you do with your anger?
My Thoughts on Implications Of Anger
- (The bad) It may give you daydreams of the other party being slowly dismembered by the guy from the SAW movie… eaten by a shark…”given” AIDS…being kidnapped by a serial killer …kept as a pet in a pigsty…ect.
- It becomes a motivating source – desire of ” getting even” by becoming uber successful, attractive, and getting married/having a family with a better partner.
- It makes you realize that you deserve to be treated better.
- It pushes to pursue hobbies and take risks.
- It makes you realize mistakes of the past and learn to make better decisions.(Even if it makes you feel like a fool).
- It makes you relate to Jesus, who was also betrayed, and unjustly crucified by the crowd of pigs. Sure, it wasn’t for the good of all humanity. But you can still feel the steel of the dagger in your heart…you feel emotional death, where your heart and your trust have been ruthlessly killed in a blink of an eye..and you can’t take away that intense burning in your chest. God knows how, but you survive!!!
- Anger and healing don’t impede each other. I’ve been feeling progressively better with each day, almost like recovering from an illness. The healing process happens with time – the wounds slowly but steadily repair themselves. You begin to feel stronger, better than before…and renewed.
- Anger is adding to strength in your workouts. Just think about punching the other party, and that last rep is going to get much easier; you’ll push those pedals much faster; without realizing it you’ll lift heavier.
- Anger makes you more cautious/I know I’m contradicting myself right now because I just said in #4 that it helps you to take more risks. But in my experience it DOES also make you more cautious about the people you let into your life anymore. There are far more filters now.
- The fire of Anger has killed all that was weak in me. I have become better, stronger, smarter…more confident!.. I believe that I’ve definitely self improved! My body is loving the workouts – my muscles are incredible! I look better now…I lead better, healthier lifestyle. In addition, I had been attending webinars on self-development. (I do have a favorite guru, but I don’t want to promote anybody on this site).
- The fire of Anger helps you to purify your experiences and appreciate what happened – to see everything in retrospective. So in retrospective I know that this separation is the best thing that ever happened to me. A blessing in disguise. I am grateful (I can’t believe I’m saying this!) that this happened. After all is said and done, I am elated that this is done and over with, that I have only good things to look forward to, now.
- Anger is a God given emotion. It is your Protector, a soldier that comes after we experience hurt.
So the bad chapter of your life is over – and the good one is about to begin. That’s what’s most important. Just getting it out there, makes me feel happy – the anger is lifted, like a cloud! The point is, it’s OK to feel anger when you feel it. It’s only a human emotion you can channel for good or for bad…just like the Sun’s energy can be good and it can be bad. Use anger like fuel to drive you – THANK your offenders for giving you this precious fuel to work with. THANK Judas for betrayal and murder – in the end, we all know how it ends for him…and YOUR life is far from over! No, it only have begun. You have passed the test, you have ASCENDED into a better plane of reality: at least I am very optimistic right now, that it can only get better.
I say, Amen to that.